Reflection: Living As Though I Will Never Have Children

Posted on Aug 26 2013 - 8:45am by ADS

My husband and I had quite the emotional blowout a few days ago over his upcoming vasectomy reversal procedure. I am a basket full of emotions, while he is excited and nervous. I wear my feelings on my sleeve, whereas my husband quietly keeps his emotions in check 97.3% of the time.

I, quite literally, burst into tears a few nights ago for what seemed to be no apparent reason. It was during the course of blubbering an explanation to my husband that I came across just how deep my feelings about the vasectomy reversal really are.

I became overwhelmed with the realization that I have spent the last four years living my life as though I may not ever get the chance to be a biological mother. Yes, I knew the circumstance when I married my husband. I knew the reality, and I knew that even if we could find a way to afford a reversal that there was always a chance it may not be successful.

So somewhere along the way, I started telling myself little things to make myself feel better about the possibility of not ever having children of my own. “Oh, well..I will get more sleep.” “I won’t have as many messes to clean up.” “We’ll have extra money.” “I won’t have to go through the pain of childbirth or experience the not so great side-effects of pregnancy.”  But there is nothing that can take away the desire to be a mother. I’ve had the natural motherhood role ingrained in my soul and spirit ever since a young age, caring for my dolls.

With it being the week before this incredible life changing event that was about to happen, all of my emotions bubbled over. I finally feel like I have a chance. I want the sometimes uncomfortable, but beautiful experience of pregnancy. I want the pain of childbirth and to experience that first moment of meeting my child. I want sleepless nights, under eye circles and messes to clean up. I want the opportunity to grow my blended family and to have a child with my husband. While I am aware of the chance that even after a reversal we may not get so lucky, I am just grateful for the opportunity to try.

Three days from now I will be living my life knowing that there is a chance for my husband and I to create a miracle together instead of living life feeling a little incomplete.

2 Comments so far. Feel free to join this conversation.

  1. Jennifer August 26, 2013 at 11:21 pm - Reply

    I’m so happy for you! I know how you feel when you say you tell yourself things just to make it okay.

    • ADS August 27, 2013 at 7:35 am - Reply

      Thank you! I’m glad you can relate to what I was going through. I finally have some light at the end of the VR tunnel this week 🙂

Leave A Response